10 Thoughts Every Woman Has When She Sees a New Penis
As much as we love this male reproductive organ, an initial encounter with one can spark some mixed emotions. First off, if you’re in the presence of one, it’s very likely you’re about to participate in some exciting sexy time. Score. But since his package can come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors, it’s totally normal to have a few thoughts on the status of his junk before it all goes down. Here, 10 things you’ve definitely thought after catching a glimpse of his man-parts.
1. “Woah, I definitely should not have judged this guy on his height.” Surprise—it’s huge! You did not see that one coming.
2. “Score—he’s a manscaper!” You’re not afraid of a little fuzz, but it’s definitely more enjoyable if you don’t have to maneuver around those hairs.
3. “Hmm, I’ve never seen that kind of curve before.” Like snowflakes, fingerprints, and Beyoncé’s hairstyles, no two penises are exactly alike—except maybe ones belonging to identical twins. Note to self: Google that later.
4. “It kind of looks like one of those wrinkly dogs.” Turns out, this guy is uncircumcised and is hiding a tiny pug in his pants.
5. “It looks like he’s a shower, not a grower.” He has all his cards on the table, and you’re not mad about it.
6. “Is that an ingrown hair, or…” Oh, man, looks like it’s time for the STD talk. Better safe than sorry.
7. “OMG, this might be a genuine micropenis!” You’ve only read about these extremely rare peens, and now that you’re face-to-face with one, you feel like you’ve won a sexual treasure hunt. Hopefully your prize is mind-blowing oral.
8. “Would it be weird if I named it?” Obviously it’s his property—but you can’t help but feel a little territorial about the thing that’s going to get so well acquainted with your lady-parts.
9. “Where else has this been?” If his member could talk, you would ask it about all the locations it’s explored. Hey, you’re just curious. Unfortunately, you’ll just have to ask your partner.
10. “Let’s test this baby out.” Now that you’re done inspecting the goods, it’s time to take him for a test drive.
By Ashley Oerman